www.lukehimself.net

Just Kidding

A few jokes before the weekend starts…

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.” ”Really?” says Mick, “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker… well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “These guys have lost the plot!”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. ”Stuff this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, “That guy’s heading for a breakdown.”

I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Have a good weekend!

27 January 2012 Humour No Comments

Facts You Never Knew About Australia

Tomorrow is Australia Day which marks the 224th anniversary of ships carrying convicts arriving in Sydney. This day is mainly a day for Australians to celebrate our great country, have a barbecue and do what we do best – drink lots of alcohol. Australia Day is also sometimes known as Foundation Day, Anniversary Day, Survival Day and even by some, Invasion Day. To celebrate another Australia day, here are some facts you may have never heard of about Australia:

• A man named Bob Hawke was featured in the Guinness Book of Records for drinking 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds. This same man later became the Prime Minister of Australia.

• Up until 1984, Australia’s National Anthem was God Save the Queen.

• Australia was the third country to launch a satellite into orbit.

• In 1828 a census showed that half the population of New South Wales were convicts. It was estimated in 2007 that 22% of living Australians had an ancestor who was a convict.

• Australia was the second country to give women the right to vote.

• Some of the crimes that could have you sent to Australia as a convict included recommending that politicians get paid, starting a union, stealing fish from a river, receiving or buying stolen goods, setting fire to underwood, petty theft and being suspected of supporting Irish terrorism. Criminals who committed serious crimes such as murder, rape or impersonating an Egyptian were not sent to Australia, they were given the death penalty in England.

• The Australian echidna and platypus are a special class of mammal like no others found anywhere else in the world. The echidna has been shown in lab experiments to be smarter than a cat.  The platypus has a poisonous spine that can kill a dog.

• The first European settlers in Australia drank more alcohol per head of population than any other community in the history of mankind.

Continue reading…

25 January 2012 Facts 2 Comments

The Happiest Countries

I’ve always been a happy person, and one of the possible reasons contributing to my happiness may well be the country I live in. The United Nations Human Development Index ranks the happiness of country’s populations based on factors such as income, life expectancy, education, health and sustainability. It’s good to know that according to this study I’ve so far visited over half of the happiest countries in the world. So where can you find the happiest people in the world? Here’s where:

10 Sweden

Life expectancy: 81.4 years
Average annual income: AUD$34,436
Population: 9.4 million

9 Germany

Life expectancy: 80.4 years
Average annual income: AUD$33,524
Population: 82 million

8 Liechtenstein

Life expectancy: 79.5 years
Average annual income: AUD$80,428
Population: 36,300

7 Ireland

Life expectancy: 80.6 years
Average annual income: AUD$28,162
Population: 4.5 million

6 Canada

Life expectancy: 81 years
Average annual income: AUD$33,779
Population: 34 million

Continue reading…

19 January 2012 General 2 Comments

Flying High

Back when I was a kid (I make it sound like I’m 80), you’d be lucky if $25 bought you a remote control car. But these days, with all the microprocessors and cheap electronics, it’s amazing what money can buy you. I was shopping in K-Mart about a week ago for some storage boxes and I spotted this mini remote control helicopter. It looked pretty cool, but I was ready to dismiss it expecting a $50+ price tag. But when I spotted the price of $25, I thought I may as well give it a go.

The helicopter is called the Swann Micro Lightning and it wasn’t long after getting it out of the box that I was ready to fly. I initially crashed it quite a few times but you quickly get used to how to control it. It even has the gimmicky feature of a button on the remote to activate a spot light on the bottom of the ‘copter (cool for use in a dark room). You get about 15 minutes flying time which, while it doesn’t sound like much, isn’t too bad considering it only takes an hour to charge. You can charge the helicopter via the remote so there’s no needing to muck around with batteries or plugging in chargers.

While I assume it may not last that long for the price, I think it’s a cool little gadget to have a play around with and something worth buying if you want to have a go at flying a remote control helicopter without having to worry about risking a huge amount of money if you crash it. Plus, they throw in a few spare blades just in case. And you got to love the Australian flag printed on the side.

See you in the skies!

15 January 2012 My Stuff 2 Comments

A Year Gone By In Blogs

Here is a look back on Luke Himself’s previous year of blogs:

London Olympic Stadium holds 80,000 people. This blog was viewed about 250,000 times in 2011. If it were competing at London Olympic Stadium, it would take about 3 sold-out events for that many people to see it.

In 2011, there were 120 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 857 posts.

The busiest day of the year was March 21st with 1,396 views. The most popular post that day was Cars Overseas.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for piglet, ferrari world, vladimir kush, horse and salvador dali.

Most visitors came from The United States. Australia and The United Kingdom were not far behind.

These are the posts that got the most views in 2011:

  1. Cars Overseas (March 2011)
  2. Luke’s Top 10 Concept Cars (September 2008)
  3. I Just Found Out… (March 2010)
  4. Ferrari World (December 2009)
  5. The Amway Scam (September 2006)

These details are thanks to the WordPress.com. Here’s to another year of blogging!

01 January 2012 General 2 Comments

Twenty Eleven

Another year has passed us by!

I started off this year in Disney World’s Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida, an amazing place to bring in the start of the year and was part of one of the best times of my life, my trip to New Zealand, USA, Canada, England, the Netherlands and Dubai.  After coming home from this amazing trip, I started my Graduate Diploma of Education, one of my life and career goals to qualify me as a teacher, my dream job and something I see myself doing for a long time.

The year is coming to an end within a few hours and I’ve now finished my degree and am fully qualified to teach, and despite only being back from overseas for a few months, I am planning my next big trip to live and work overseas in 2012, another life and career goal I am hoping to make a reality.

I hope you can also look back on your year and have an amazing memory of great times and also a great set of plans for 2012. If you don’t think you can, then sit down and think of some great resolutions that will make 2012 a year to remember.

Remember, you only have one life to live, so make it count!

See you in 2012!

31 December 2011 My Stuff 2 Comments

Amazon Kindle

It was always my plan to make the step to electronic books once my stash of books was finally read through. Everything these days seems to be moving to electronic mediums, and books haven’t been any exception with the rise of the e-book and e-reader over the last few years. So with all my paper books finished, I decided for Christmas this year I would ask for my own e-reader, which led me to my purchase of an Amazon Kindle.

I did research on the various e-readers available but no matter where I seemed to look it appeared that getting any e-reader other than an Amazon Kindle meant settling for a cheap alternative, or otherwise going up to an overpriced device. The Kindle seemed to be the standard for e-readers, and also the most popular e-reader for the last few years. The Kindle currently has many different models with the Kindle, Kindle Touch, Kindle Keyboard and Kindle Fire, these coming in Wi-Fi and 3G versions. While my Kindle of choice would have to be the Kindle Touch, the “international edition”, the only edition that Amazon will ship to Australia, is just the standard Wi-Fi-only Kindle. While this is a bit disappointing considering the great range of Kindles available, the price is still great at around $125 shipped. (Note you can still buy the old Kindle as the “Kindle Keyboard”).

Continue reading…

29 December 2011 My Stuff 6 Comments

Awesome Lego

Here are some very creative Lego creations…

27 December 2011 General 2 Comments

Merry Christmas

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

A time when you can forget your worries and catch up with those people who are most important to you.

Here at Luke Himself we would like to wish you a very merry Christmas and all the best for the new year.

Thank you for continuing to read and comment on my blogs!

Have a fantastic Christmas!

25 December 2011 My Stuff No Comments

Funny eBay Feedback

Some funny feedback from the world’s most popular auction site, eBay:

Positive: Item shipped quickly, have been having erotic dreams about seller. Thanks!

Positive: Thanks for great Rainbow Brite lunchbox. Should shrunken head be inside?

Neutral: Excellent communication, but should’ve poked holes in box before shipping the kitten. Refunded.

Negative: Despite indication in listing, I could not fit item into any of my body cavities.

Negative: Honda R-Type sticker did not add horsepower as advertised.

Neutral: Item shipped promptly and in good condition, but I should not have to bid on birthday presents from my parents.

Positive: I don’t really remember what I ordered. But I’ve been sitting in the box it came in all day, and it’s great!

Negative: Product didn’t work, possibly broken. I woke up this morning and was disappointed to find I still believe in Jesus Christ our Savior. :(

Positive: Excellent Buyer. A++++++. Thrilled by the quartz movement of the “Rolex”. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

Negative: Should have been clearer that seller only accepts payment in Bhats via Eastern Union Moneygram.

Positive: Plain brown packaging seemed to fool my wife. Thanks!

Negative: The dog won’t hunt.

Negative: Very nice monkey mascot costume, but it’s a size 34, not a 63 as advertised.

Negative: Lederhosen not as pink as the picture led me to believe.

Positive: A+++++. Items are exactly as described. Best case of kalashnikovs I’ve ever bought. Allah Akbar!

Negative: This is clearly the ninth, NOT THE SIXTH, repackaging of Mad Super Special #24.

Positive: One of the scents mixed in with the packing peanuts remind me of a passionate weekend in Rio… was that you?

Positive: The way you wrote my zip-code makes me weak in the knees. Such smooth strokes. A+!

Negative: Though you did nothing wrong, I am giving you this Negative feedback to teach you that the universe is arbitrary and unfair.

Negative: Buying this Space 1999 Lunchbox did not fill the void in my empty life for as long as I’d hoped.

From Capn Wacky.

15 December 2011 Humour 5 Comments

Previous Entries