Humour
Broadmeadows Raids
August 31st, 2010 | Published under Humour | No Comments
Early morning raids carried out by police in the Victorian suburb of Broadmeadows finalised a three-month surveillance operation with the overall discovery of:
- An arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition
- 10 anti-tank missiles
- 4 grenade launchers
- 20 tonnes of heroin
- $50 million in forged Australian banknotes
- 25 trafficked Filipino prostitutes, all in a Housing Commission house behind the Public Library in Broadmeadows
Local residents were stunned.
A community spokesman said:
“We’re shocked. We never knew we had a library!”
I’m Disabled
August 27th, 2010 | Published under Humour | No Comments
Not a funny story, but I had to laugh at one woman’s comment…
(click image to view full-size)
How To Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting To Kill You
July 15th, 2010 | Published under Humour | 2 Comments
As I thought, BJ is definitely plotting to kill me…
The Lone Ranger & Tonto
July 4th, 2010 | Published under Humour | 1 Comment
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?”
“You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.”
Out Of Africa
June 23rd, 2010 | Published under Humour | No Comments
I love these heartwarming stories:
In 1986, Mele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
It probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Pillow Fights
June 15th, 2010 | Published under Humour | No Comments
Man versus woman = fun.
Man versus man = gay.
Woman versus woman = awesome.
Man versus pillow = crazy.
Pillow versus pillow = crazy awesome – that’s a real pillow fight right there.
You see two pillows fighting; you know something’s going down. They’re designed for relaxation. If they’re fighting, what hope do we have?
One time I saw two geese fighting and I was like, “This is a pillow fight ahead of time.”
- Demetri Martin
How To Give A Cat A Pill
June 9th, 2010 | Published under Humour | No Comments
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
A New Lease On Life
May 31st, 2010 | Published under Humour | No Comments
A man dressed in painter’s overalls walks into a hardware shop and asks for a bottle of methylated spirits. The proprietor eyes him suspiciously:
“No way,” he says. “You’re that bum who used to always hang around the village green. You’ll just drink this.”
“Oh no, you are mistaken,” says the man. “I used to be that man, but I have a home now, I’ve started up my own painting and decorating business, I’ve given up drinking, and cleaned up my life entirely. I need meths to clean my brushes, or they’ll be ruined. Why is it that nobody can recognize me for the person I want to be, rather than the person I used to be?”
The hardware proprietor pauses to think. “You’re right,” he says. “I’m sorry for judging you based on your past. Would you like a liter?”
“That’d be great,” says the painter: “And make sure it’s cold.”
Health Check
May 27th, 2010 | Published under Humour | No Comments
I love this doctor…
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of the fruity bit, you get even more goodness that way. Beer is made out of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have a body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two body your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU DON’ LISTEN!!! ….. Foods are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated in it. Getting more vegetable good for you.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It make you feel good long time!
Q: Is swimming well for my figure?
A: If swimming well for your figure, explain whale to me?
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, ‘WOO HOO, what a ride.’”’
A Blonde’s Year In Review
April 21st, 2010 | Published under Humour | No Comments
January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels… Hellllooooo… bottles won’t fit in printer!
March: Got really excited… finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, box said “2-4 years”!”
April: Trapped on escalator for hours… power went out!!!
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid… wrong instructions, 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June: Tried to go water skiing… couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, the other swimmers cheated – they used their arms!!!
August: Got locked out of my car in a rain storm. Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September: The capital of California is ‘C’…..isn’t it?
October: Hate M&Ms. They are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December: Couldn’t call 911… there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ‘Is something wrong’
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘You’ve Got Mail!’”
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